Kingdom Hearts: The True Story
by Tour Guide62
Summary: It's Kingdom Hearts like you've never seen it. From innocent if somewhat unlucky Heartless to Riku's darkest secret, discover what truly happened during Sora's first adventure. Parody of the first game. Rated T for language and violence.
1. Awakening

**Kingdom Hearts: The True Story**

**By: Tour Guide62**

**Disclaimer: Fortunately for everyone, I don't own Kingdom Hearts. Square Enix plus Disney do. **

**Sorry if this is confusing, but the Narrator is telling the story and will interrupt, help, or insult Sora at different times. When he's telling the story, he has no quotation marks around his lines, but when he directly interacts with the characters his lines will have quotations around them. **

* * *

A boy was sinking in the ocean. He had spiky brown hair, a red shirt, red pants, blue belt, white and black jacket, a crown necklace, and yellow shoes. His name was Sora, and if you looked at him, you'd never guess he was having a monologue inside his head.

I've been having these weird dreams lately, Sora thought. Like one time I was at the beach, but I forgot my swimsuit, and everyone was having a good time except for me, and…

After several minutes of Sora crying, he landed on a platform with a girl in a yellow dress.

After looking around Sora looked up and shouted, "HEY! Wasn't there supposed to be some big theme song?"

"Well… we ran into some budget problems…" mumbled the Narrator.

"Like?"

"Do you know how much Keyblades cost to make? Your lucky we could even make this story."

"Whatever. What do you need me to do?"

"Walk forward."

"That's it?"

"That's it."

Sora walked forward into the middle of the platform. "Well?" He asked. "What now?"

Before the snot nosed little punk had a chance to whine some more, three pedestals appeared out of the ground. On each of the pedestals floated one of three weapons: a shield, a sword, and a staff. Sora walked over to choose one…

"I pick all of them!" Sora yells. A second later a huge lightening bolt hits him.

"STICK TO THE SCRIPT!" The Narrator yelled.

"ALL RIGHT! SHEESH!" Sora yelled. He continued grumbling as he walked over and grabbed the sword.

"That will be 1000 munny please." Said the Narrator.

"What?!? What happened to sticking with the script?" complained Sora.

"I told you we were having budget problems. Now pay up, freeloader."

"Stupid costs. I'm the star for God's sake…" Sora reached into his pocket and pulled out the munny. It disappeared in a bright flash of light. "Wait! I want my money back! I want my money back!" Sora threw himself to the ground and started pounding the glass with his fists, "I WANT IT BACK! I WANT…"

Sora pounded the platform so hard that it broke. The glass shattered everywhere, destroying a priceless work of art.

"Great! Do you have any idea how much a stained glass mural costs? You can kiss your paycheck good-bye pal!" The Narrator angrily said. "Anyway, Sora fell for quite sometime in the blackness…" He drifted off as Sora fell with a whistling sound.

"Sora kept falling…and falling…and falling…" The Narrator continued.

"OH, WOULD YOU JUST KNOCK IT OFF?" Sora yelled.

Sora crashed onto a platform of a girl with a blue gown. "…I…hate…you…" he said weakly. Sora pulled himself off the ground and said, "Now what?"

"Practice your swordsmanship." The Narrator advised.

"YAY! VIOLENCE!" Sora yelled. He started swinging his sword wildly around.

The Narrator was looking through the script and said, "As Sora was slaughtering the art of swordsmanship…"

"Hey!"

…He was unaware of the two shadow-like creatures behind him. These creatures were called Heartless. A common fact of Heartless is that they have no form of identity. However, this is not true for these two Heartless. One of them, Chase, had glasses, while the other, Cameron, had curly antennas.

"What was the author thinking when he gave me glasses? I look like a nerd!" said Chase.

"Aren't you blind without those, though?" asked Cameron.

"Well…yeah. But that's not the point! The point is…" Chase stopped as he noticed Sora for the first time. "Hey, is my eyesight getting worse, or is that a human?"

Cameron looked and saw Sora (who was still killing imaginary foes.) and said, "Yeah, it is! Let's get those other two over here."

Two other Heartless appeared. One of them was named Zach, and he had spiky antennas. The other was named Chris, who had blue eyes.

Chase walked over to Sora, and said, "How's it going?"

Sora paused and looked at Chase. "… AAAAAAAAHHHHHH! MONSTER!" He grabbed his sword and decapitated Chase.

Cameron screamed, "OH GOOD MOTHER OF ALL THAT IS HOLY! LET'S GET OUT OF HERE!"

Chris chortled and patted Cameron's back, "Easy. I bet Chase just shocked him." He went up to Sora and said, "Hey man!"

Sora screamed and stabbed Chris. "AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!" And with that, Sora jumped off the platform.

Sora fell through the darkness and landed on the next EXPENSIVE STAIN-GLASS platform. Unfortunately, he was to busy freaking out.

"Shadow things… all over me… mommy…" He sobbed as he writhed on the ground.

"AHEM!" said the Narrator loudly.

Sora seemed to snap out of it. He sat up, and with false bravado, said, "Uh…I mean…HA! Bet those things will think twice before trying to kill me again. Haha…" His boast was somewhat ruined by the whimper at the end.

Meanwhile, back with Zach and Cameron…

Zach looked at Cameron and said, "Maybe we should bake him something…"

Back to Sora…

Sora had completely broken down and was sobbing heavily.

The Narrator just looked at him, sighed, and said, "Do you want to get out of here?"

Sora looked up in tears and said, "YES!"

The Narrator pointed at a far off door and said, "Then go over there."

Sora jumped up and rushed to the door. He pushed it opened and was blinded by a bright light. When his eyes cleared, he was on an island, and surrounded by a girl in yellow, a guy with a beach ball, and a guy with a staff.

Sora looked around and said, "Sheesh! Who lives in this dump?"

The Narrator shook his head and mumbled, "…You do."

Sora ignored the Narrator and pointed to the three others, "And who are these freaks?"

The Narrator paused for a second, before saying, "You know what? This isn't really all that important."

The guy with the staff yelled, "What about us?!?"

The Narrator looked at him and said, "What _about _you?" He quickly showed Sora the door to the next platform.

Sora went through the door and ended up at a platform that had a girl surrounded by thorns depicted on it.

Suddenly the four Heartless from before (Chase, Cameron, Chris, and Zach), came out of nowhere.

Cameron looked at Chase and Chris and said, "I thought you two were dead."

Chase laughed and said, "Oh Cameron. We're just personifications that the author used to make Sora's actions seem horrible!"

A lightening bolt came and zapped Chase. He coughed and said, "I mean, we're just part of the Darkness. We get reborn!"

Zach shrugged and said, "Who cares?" He looked at Sora and pulled out a cake with black frosting. "Want some cake!"

Sora took a deep breath, and then screamed "AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! THE CAKE IS A LIE!" He grabbed his sword and massacred the Heartless. He took deep breaths and said, "Those things are so…creepy…"

Chris looked around at his now limbless body, lying several feet away from his decapitated head. He said weakly, "That's going to hurt in the morning…"

Zach, who was missing his legs and lower jaw, made a gurgling noise.

Chase, whose glasses were askew and had a stab wound in his chest, said to the other two, "I think he said 'All I wanted was to give him some cake.'"

So after maiming 4 innocent Heartless, Sora made his way up to another platform…

Sora, who was climbing the stairs, stopped and panted, "I hate this place."

…And finally reached the top stair.

Sora collapsed with a WHEW!

Before Sora could do anything more, his shadow grew and turned into the giant Darkside.

Sora got up, pulled out his sword, and said confidently, "I can beat you no problem." His sword disappeared in a bright flash of light. He looked at it and said, "Oh crap…"

Darkside simply punted Sora like a football.

The Narrator laughed, "HAHAHAHAHA…," He cleared his throat and said, "And so, Sora was launched out of his dream and back to reality…"

And so it begins…

* * *

**Hope you liked this story so far! If so, review please.**

_**(Takes a look at the cost of stain glass platform repair) **_**Oh, Sora is so not getting his paycheck…**

**I went back and fixed this chapter and made it more of a story than a script. Sorry it took so long.**


	2. Grunt Work

**Kingdom Hearts: The True Story**

**By: Tour Guide62**

**Disclaimer: Fortunately for everyone, I don't own Kingdom Hearts. Square Enix plus Disney do. **

**Sorry if this is confusing, but the Narrator is telling the story and will interrupt, help, or insult Sora at different times. When he's telling the story, he has no quotation marks around his lines, but when he directly interacts with the characters his lines will have quotations around them. **

**I went back and fixed the first chapter, so now it's in story format.**

* * *

**Chapter 2: Grunt Work**

_Oh, my head…_ Sora thought. He was laying down on something warm with his eyes shut. He slowly opened them and found he was staring at an extremely sunny, blue sky. He sat up and looked in front of him. He saw he was on a beach and was facing the ocean.

He yawned and prepared to go back to sleep. He laid down and closed his eyes when…

"AAAHHHHHHH!" Screamed a voice in his ear.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Sora screamed as he shot back up. He turned around and saw a redheaded girl wearing a purple skirt and white sleeve-less shirt laughing at him.

"Motherfu- I mean, hey Kairi!" Sora said as he sat down in the sand.

"Sora, you lazy bum," Kairi said, "I knew I'd find you sleeping down here. What's up? Don't you get any sleep?"

Sora thought back to the previous night…

"_Ha-ha, Sora!" said one of his friends. "You have to go to jail again!"_

_Sora looked at where his piece had landed, then flipped the board over. "FU** THIS GAME! THIS GAME FU**ING SUCKS! AND WHY THE FU** DO YOU ALWAYS GET TO BE THE MOTHERFU**ING RACECAR! YOU CHEAP PIECE OF SH**!_

…Sora muttered, "Why am I always the iron?"

"What?" asked Kairi.

"Oh, nothing. Anyway, I wasn't sleeping! This huge black thing kicked me off a stain glass platform, and the narrator was yelling at me, and… OW!" Sora rubbed the spot on his head where Kairi had just hit him. "What was that for?"

Kairi pointed over to a pizza box on the beach. "Did you eat that pizza?"

Sora looked, and then nodded, "Yeah. Why?"

Kairi shook her head, "I told you that pizza was 3-months old. No wonder you had that weird dream."

"It wasn't a dream!" Said Sora. Then he dropped his eyes and muttered, "Or was it? I don't know."

"It wasn't." whispered the Narrator.

"AAAAAHHHHHHHH!" screamed Sora. He turned to Kairi, who was wide-eyed at his scream. "D-DID YOU HEAR HIM!?!"

"Hear who?" asked a concerned Kairi.

"THE NARRATOR!" Screamed Sora. "JUST LISTEN!"

Several seconds of silence passed.

"…BOOOOOOOGGAA-BOOOOOGGGAAA!" yelled the Narrator.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Sora screamed.

"…Sora. Just stay calm." Said Kairi.

Sora stopped screaming and got into the fetal position. "Mommy…" he whimpered.

"Geez Louise…" muttered Kairi as she walked towards the ocean.

Sora got up and said, "Louise? Louise…Louisiana? Kairi!" She turned to look at him. "Are you from Louisiana?"

"What the- Sora I told you before, I don't remember where I'm from." Kairi told him.

"Do you ever want to go back?"

"How would I want to go back if I don't remember it? Besides, I'm happy here."

"Really?"

"But, I would like to see it. At least once." Kairi said.

"Me too!" said Sora. "Along with any other worlds out there! I want to see them all!" His grin took on a sadistic turn. "AND THEN, WHEN THEY HAVE GOTTEN COMFORTABLE, I WILL CONQUER THEIR WORLD AND CLAIM IT AS MY OWN!"

Kairi, who had tuned Sora out, asked, "What was that Sora?"

Sora smiled and said, "Nothing."

"HEY!" yelled a voice. They both turned to see a silver-haired boy with a yellow and black sleeveless shirt and dark blue pants. He was holding a log in his arm. "Aren't you two forgetting about me?" He smiled and said jokingly, "I guess I'm the only one still working on the raft…"

His face turned angry, and he ran forward and bashed Sora in the head with the log he was carrying. His smile returned as he turned to Kairi and said, "You're just as lazy as he is. I mean look at him, laying down on the job." He shook his head, "Tsk, tsk. Not very reliable, Sora."

Sora, who was facedown in the sand, mumbled, "Riku, you son-of-a…"

Riku stepped on Sora and said, "However, I, Riku, have brought you, Kairi, a log for the raft."

"Ok, Riku, hang on." Kairi brought out a checklist. Only a single item, a log, was written on it. "And Sora," Kairi said.

Sora stood up, only to get crushed by a list as thick as the log Riku had just hit him with.

"That's what you need to get! Good luck!" Kairi waved cheerfully as she and Riku walked away.

"Oh, crap…" Sora muttered from underneath the list.

Several hours later…

Sora lugged the last log back to where Kairi was waiting. He thought moodily, _I'm supposed to be the star of this thing… why am I the one doing the grunt work? _

He dropped the log next to all the other items he had to get. Among them were a harpoon, a boom box, and a very confused third-grader.

"Thanks Sora, I found something today! I think you should have it for all your hard work."

She gave a Hi-potion to Sora, who proceeded to do the standard RPG-hero pose by holding it in the air.

Riku came over and said, "Hey Kairi!"

"Thanks for your help today Riku. Here you go." She dropped 5000 munny into his hands.

"You got to be kidding…" said Sora.

"That's all we need to get for today!" said Kairi. She led Riku and the very depressed Sora to the smaller island connected by a bridge.

Kairi and Sora sat on the paopu tree, while Riku leaned against it. Sora stared out to the ocean's horizon, and watched the setting sun for a moment before saying, "So, Kairi's home is out there somewhere, right?"

"Could be." Said Riku. "We'll never know if we stay…"

"But how far could a raft take us?" Sora interrupted.

"Who knows? If we have to we'll think of…"

"RIKU! LOOK WHAT I CAN DO!" Interrupted Sora, who proceeded to cross his eyes.

Riku snapped. He walked over, grabbed Sora from the tree, pummeled him with a barrage of fists, and threw him off the island into the ocean below.

"…Think of something else." Riku finished as he walked back to the tree and leaned against it, as though nothing had happened.

"So suppose you get to another world. What would you do once you got there?" asked Kairi, as a drenched Sora climbed back onto the tree.

Riku pondered this for a second, then said, "I haven't really though about it. I just- I just always wondered why we're here, on this island. If there are other worlds, we could have just as easily ended up somewhere else, right? And if there are other worlds, then ours is just a little piece of something much greater."

Sora snored as an answer.

Kairi leaned over and elbowed him in the crotch.

Sora's eyes snapped opened and he said seriously, albeit squeakily, "I don't know."

"Exactly." Said Riku. "That's why we need to go out there and find out." He got up and walked to the edge of the island. "Just sitting here won't change a thing. It's the same old stuff. So let's go."

Kairi looked at him and asked, "You've been thinking a lot about this, haven't you?"

Riku shrugged and said, "Thanks to you. If you hadn't come here, I probably wouldn't have thought about any of this." He paused. "Kairi…thanks."

She giggled a bit and said, "You're welcome."

Sora looked at the two of them and asked, "What about me?"

Riku looked at him and said, "You remind me of why I want to leave this place Sora."

"Aww, thanks Riku." Said Sora. After a moment's silence, Sora realized what that meant. "HEY!" he shouted.

A few minutes later, all three of them were walking on the bridge to get on their boats and go home.

Kairi walked faster than the two boys and was quite a distance away from them.

Sora heard Riku shout behind him, "Sora!"

Sora turned and managed to catch a star-shaped fruit that Riku had thrown at him.

"You wanted one didn't you?" asked Riku.

"A paopu fruit?" asked Sora.

"If two people share one, their destinies become intertwined. They'll remain a part of each others lives no matter what." Said Riku as he walked away. "I know you want to try it."

"What are you-"

Riku laughed and walked away singing, "Sora likes Kairi, Sora likes Kairi!"

"HEY!" Sora shouted as he threw the paopu away. He then proceeded to run to his boat.

Below the bridge, Tidus was walking towards his boat. "Man, I was the star of my own game, and I don't have any decent impact on the plo-" His complaining was cut short as the paopu hit him in the head.

* * *

_Meanwhile_

In a far off world, there was a castle. It was blue and white and was home to many peaceful inhabitants.

However, the white duck wearing a blue shirt and hat severely lacked the "peaceful" aspect.

Donald Duck was not somebody you wanted to piss off on normal days. Wake him up at 5 A.M and tell him to get ready to greet his friend in 4 hours time made him even more temperamental as usual. In fact, the only reason he was not rushing to attack this particular friend was because he was the King of the whole castle, and could very easily lock Donald in the dungeon and wait for him to cool down.

_Just like last time…_ thought Donald. He passed some brooms that were busy cleaning, and reminded himself that there were worse jobs than being the King's slave…I mean Royal Magician.

He stopped in front of two obscenely large purple doors. Donald cleared his throat with an "Ahem".

Nothing happened.

"What the-" said Donald, who cleared his throat again, and again.

Still, nothing happened.

Donald grumbled to himself as he pushed the two huge doors open. As soon as he was through pushing, however, a small door opened up on one of the big ones. Donald grumbled and looked down at the Kings throne, where he sat watching him.

The room they were in was a huge white hall with a single red carpet down the middle of it. On the wall behind the throne, there were two humongous statues. One had Donald's likeness, while the other had the likeness of a dog in armor.

Donald walked to the throne and said, "Hey your Majesty! It's good to see you this…WHAT!?!"

Donald was shocked to discover that the King was not there, and in his place he had constructed a dummy with Mickey Mouse ears and a basketball for his head.

A yellow dog walked from behind the throne with a letter in his mouth.

Donald grabbed it and read it, his eyes furiously moving as he quickly finished it. He put it in his pocket and did what came naturally to him: He ran away in a panic, screaming as he did so.

A few minutes later, Donald was running through the Royal Garden. Normally he would have stopped and appreciated the work the gardeners did, but right now he was looking for somebody.

_Let's see… it's still early in the morning which means he should be slacking off somewhere around here, _thought Donald as he frantically searched. He finally found a black dog wearing armor snoozing in a bed of flowers.

"Wake up, Goofy!" Donald yelled. "This is serious!"

Goofy did not wake up.

Frustrated, Donald hit him with a thunder spell. Goofy, however, still did not wake up. Donald cast every spell he knew, but Goofy wouldn't wake up for anything. After several minutes, Donald had been reduced to poking Goofy with his staff.

Donald threw down his staff and sat on the grass, having finally decided to just let Goofy wake up on his own.

A butterfly flew through the air several feet above them. Donald watched it make its way down to Goofy. The butterfly landed on Goofy's nose.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Goofy as he woke up. He looked wildly around for a few seconds, but turned around when he heard a _THUD. _

"Donald?" Goofy asked. "Why are you hitting yourself in the head with your staff."

A dazed Donald put the staff down and mumbled, "No reason." He shook his head and remembered why he was here. "Listen Goofy, I'm about to tell you something top secret, okay? And you can't tell a soul!"

Goofy looked at him and asked, "Queen Minnie?"

Donald looked at him and said, "Not even the Queen!"

Goofy asked, "Daisy?"

Donald shook his head furiously, "NO! You can't tell anyone! Especially not the Queen or Daisy!"

"G'morning ladies!" Goofy greeted cheerfully.

"Tell us what, Donald?" Came a soft voice behind them.

Donald froze. Gulping, he nervously turned around to face Queen Minnie Mouse and Daisy Duck.

Queen Minnie was trying not to laugh at Donald's distress, while Daisy had placed her hands on her hips and was looking at Donald expectantly.

Donald chuckled nervously.

_Oh crap,_ he thought.

* * *

­­­­­­­­­­­­**It's been awhile since I've updated. **

…

**Oh, well.**

**Review please!**


	3. Not So Amazing Race

**Kingdom Hearts: The True Story**

**By: Tour Guide62**

**Disclaimer: Fortunately for everyone, I don't own Kingdom Hearts. Square Enix plus Disney do. **

**Sorry if this is confusing, but the Narrator is telling the story and will interrupt, help, or insult Sora at different times. When he's telling the story, he has no quotation marks around his lines, but when he directly interacts with the characters his lines will have quotations around them. **

* * *

**Chapter 3: The Not-So-Amazing Race**

Sora paddled his boat to the Island's pier. He got out, tied his boat up, and stretched. Hopefully today would be the day that he, Riku, and Kairi set sail.

_Then once we're out at sea, and away from any witnesses, I'll "accidentally" push Riku overboard. Then Kairi and me can have some "alone time". Bow-chika-bow-bow-chika-bow-bow…_ he thought as he started doing pelvic thrusts.

"Sora?"

Sora turned around, wide-eyed. Selphie was staring at him. An awkward moment of silence passed. It grew into an even more awkward moment when Sora realized he was still doing pelvic thrusts.

"Uhh…" he said, his face red.

"…" Selphie, also red in the face, was pondering what to do about this situation. She finally said, "…Let's pretend like that didn't happen."

"Sounds good to me," agreed Sora. "So… did you need anything?"

"Oh yeah! Have you ever heard of the legendary power of the paopu fruit?" Without waiting for an answer, she continued, "They say if you share it with someone you really care about, it will bind you together for all…" Her face took on an evil look, and her voice got deeper and seemed to echo, "_**ETERNITY!**_" She sighed romantically and her face and voice returned to normal. "It's so romantic. I've gotta try it sometime!" She looked around. Sora was nowhere in sight. "Sora?"

A small pathetic-sounding whimper came from underneath the dock. Selphie walked down to the beach and looked under the dock. "Sora?"

Sora was clutching one of the support beams to the dock and had big anime-style tears in his eyes. "Th-th-that's great Se-Selphie! Why don't y-you go tell Tidus?" he asked meekly.

_Meanwhile on an undisclosed location on the Island:_

"Wakka?"

"Yeah, Tidus?"

"Why do I feel like I'm not going to survive this day?"

"…"

"…"

"You're a loony."

_Back with Sora and Selphie:_

"That's a great idea! Bye Sora!" Selphie waved cheerfully, then stopped and said, "Oh, yeah. Riku told me to tell you that he and Kairi are waiting for you on the opposite side of the island."

"…We have an opposite side to this island?"

"…" Selphie stared at him like he was crazy, then turned and walked off, shaking her head as she went.

_Half an hour later:_

Sora walked out of the door that led into the opposite side of the island. He looked around and saw Riku staring quite angstily out at the ocean.

Sora walked over to him and said, "Did you know about this side of the island?"

Riku kept staring out into the ocean, almost as if he was angry at it.

"Riku?" Asked Sora as he poked Riku in the arm.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" Riku screamed. He looked around wildly until his gaze fell on a very wide-eyed Sora.

"Oh, it's just you." Riku said as he resumed his "I'm An Angsty Emo-Boy Because My Fangirls Love It" attitude. "What were you saying?"

"I-I asked if you knew about the opposite side of the island." Said Sora, who was still looking at Riku strangely.

"Of course."

"WELL, I DIDN'T!" Yelled Sora. "I SPENT 30 MINUTES TRYING TO FIND THIS DAMN PLACE!" Sora took several deep breaths and calmed down a little. "By the way, I had a weird thought."

Riku raised an eyebrow, as anything else would be uncool, "What?"

"As I was running around this godforsaken island, I noticed that there are a lot of complex wooden structures around here."

"Complex-"

"Wooden structures, yes." Sora explained, "We have sturdy bridges, platforms, walls, a shack! Heck we even have doors built into solid rock! How can 6 teenagers with no experience at architecture build these things? How could we gather so many supplies? How could we have gathered the labor to do all of these things? How Riku? How, I ask you? HOW?!?"

Thunder roared and lightening struck. A single piece of paper floated down from the sky and into Sora's hand. He read it aloud:

_Dear Sora,_

_Stop pointing out plot holes and get on with the story._

_Sincerely, _

_Tour Guide62_

"Fine." Sora grumbled.

"So, Sora," said Riku as his eyes darted around nervously, "Our raft still needs a name. I'm thinking Highwind. What about you?"

"Uh…Uhmmm…" Sora wanted something cool…something fresh…there was something he heard in that music video once…That's it! "I want to call it…"

(_Drumroll)_

"MakeItRain!" Sora said.

Riku stared at him.

"What?" Sora asked.

"Sora…do you know what that means?"

"Something about the weather?"

"NO! It means…" Riku leaned over and whispered into Sora's ear.

"What?" Sora laughed, "Riku, do you think people like Snoop Dog, R. Kelly, and Ludacris would rap about it if it meant _that_? Come on." Sora walked away chuckling.

Riku shook his head and said, "Whatever. So," he said smiling, "the usual then?"

Sora grinned, "Sure, I'm game."

Kairi walked over to them, "Are you guys at it again? Fine, I'll judge!" She stood by the door. "The usual rules apply! You can take any route you want, and the first one to tag that star-shaped tree and make it back here wins."

"Star-shaped tree?" asked Sora. "Oh, yeah. 'Cause trees always look like stars." He said sarcastically.

More thunder and lightening struck. A single (slightly singed) piece of paper floated into Sora's hand. He read it aloud:

_Dear Sora,_

_I'm serious. Stop pointing out plot holes or you'll be sorry._

_Wishing you the best,_

_Tour Guide62_

Sora threw away the paper and went over to Riku. He said to him, "Let's make things a bit more interesting. If I win, I'm Captain. And if you win…"

"I get to share a paopu with Kairi." Riku said quietly.

"Wha-"

"Deal? The winner gets to share a paopu with Kairi."

"Wha- Hey, wait a min-"

"GO!" yelled Kairi.

Riku took off. Sora sprinted after him across the bridge, both boys jumping over gaps. Riku reached the tower and began to climb the ladder. Sora had to go down and run across the beach. He stopped to see what Riku was doing. The elder boy had begun to use the zip-line. Sora took off his shoe, aimed, and threw it at Riku. It hit the older boy and he lost his grip and fell onto the soft sand of the beach. Sora ran to get his shoe, put it on, and ran on ahead. He reached the tree first and started to jump on the tops of palm trees, with Riku right on his tail.

They reached the bridge and began to run across it, both boys neck-and-neck.

"It's Riku, no it's Sora, no it's Riku, no Sora! Riku! Sora! RIKU! SORA! RIKU! SORA! RI-" The Narrator's commentary was cut short when Tour Guide62 appeared and backhanded him.

"Calm down." Said the disgruntled author.

As Sora and Riku were crossing the bridge, Sora turned his head slightly to Riku and said, "See, how could _we_ build this thing?" He gained a slight lead over Riku, leapt over a gap, and said, "This thing is as solid as a roOOOOOOOOOHHHHHH S***!" Sora screamed, as the planks he had just landed on broke apart, sending him into the shallow water below.

Another piece of paper floated downwards. On it it said:

_TOLD YA YOU'D BE SORRY! IN YOUR FACE BIYOTCH!_

_Hugs and kisses,_

_Tour Guide62_

When Sora climbed back up to the finish line, Riku was standing triumphantly next to Kairi. He looked at Sora and said, "That settles it. We're calling the raft Highwind."

Kairi looked (semi)sympathetic, but she waved to the two boys, saying that she'd be by the raft.

Sora walked over to Riku and asked, "You were just kidding around before, right? About sharing a paopu with Kairi."

Riku laughed, "Heck no! I'm definitely going to "share a paopu" with her if you know what I mean."

Sora shook his head, "I-I don't! But seriously, man. I think I might like her and it'd be cool of you to back off. What do you say?" Sora held out his hand to shake.

Riku batted it away. "I say, you snooze you lose sucka! And speaking of snoozing I'd better try to get Kairi in be-"

Riku's boast was cut off when Sora kneed him in the gut. He sank down and Sora grabbed his head and slammed it against the ground.

"NOW LISTEN, MOTHER-FU**ER! YOU BEST KEEP OFF KAIRI, OR ELSE I'LL TELL THE WHOLE ISLAND YOUR SECRET!" Sora yelled.

"You wouldn't!" Gasped out Riku as he flashed back to when Sora discovered his secret.

_Flash Back:_

_Just Dance_

_Gonna be okay,_

_Just Dance,_

_Spin That Record Babe_

As Riku danced around in kitchen to Lady Gaga, singing and dancing in a way that would have his fangirls breaking down his door, Sora walked into his house.

"Hey, Riku. I heard a horrible noise in here so I thought I'd better check…" Sora trailed off as he looked at what was going on in the kitchen.

It wasn't the music. He could deal with Lady Gaga, for a while anyway.

It wasn't Riku dancing. He had already videotaped that before for future blackmail use.

It was a box.

Sliver hair dye.

Sora looked at Riku again, focusing not on the booty shaking and long-dead disco moves, but on his hair.

…

…

…

…

…

It was pink.

Riku's natural hair color was…pink.

A long uncomfortable silence ensued.

"…" Riku stared at Sora, frozen in the Running Man.

"…" Sora stared at Riku, his mouth agape.

Both screamed at the same time.

_Back in the present:_

"OH, YES I WOULD, PINKY!" yelled Sora.

"FINE, I'LL BACK OFF!" screamed Riku.

"THANK YOU! NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I HAVE TO GO SEE WHAT KAIRI WANTS!"

Sora stomped off.

Riku sat in the fetal position and rocked back and forth.

Tidus was sobbing as Selphie dragged him off to go find a paopu fruit.

And Kairi leaned back against the mast of the raft, blissfully unaware of what her odd friends were doing.

* * *

**Well…now we know why Riku was so desperate to leave the islands.**

**If Sora threatened to spill the proverbial beans on his hair, he could always push him overboard.**

**Review Please!**


	4. Awkward Conversations

**Kingdom Hearts: The True Story**

**By: Tour Guide62**

**Disclaimer: Fortunately for everyone, I don't own Kingdom Hearts. Square Enix plus Disney do. **

**Sorry if this is confusing, but the Narrator is telling the story and will interrupt, help, or insult Sora at different times. When he's telling the story, he has no quotation marks around his lines, but when he directly interacts with the characters his lines will have quotations around them. **

**Me being late at updating this had nothing to do with the fact that I have high-speed Internet now…Honest. **_**(Goes back to the Internet.)**_

* * *

**Chapter 4: Groceries, Foreshadowing, and the Most Awkward Conversation Ever.**

Still angry at Riku, Sora was muttering to himself as he made his way to the raft. Kairi watched him approach and heard words like "Stupid" "Backstabbing" and "Pinkie". After wondering why he was so upset for a few moments, she decided that she didn't care.

"Sora! Over here!" she yelled.

Sora rushed over, but before he could even say anything, Kairi handed him a list and said, "This is a list of all the provisions we need for our trip. Riku and I have already gotten our share of the food..."

_Earlier:_

Kairi was looking over two small slips of paper with Riku. She smiled and said, "Okay, I think we've got everything we were supposed to get. 5 bananas from me and two oranges plus the bag of Halloween candy you stole from Tidus from you."

"Now all we have to do," said Riku as he pulled out a huge list, "is get Sora to get his share."

"Yay!"

_Now:_

"…so now you need to go get your share. Come back here when you have everything." Finished Kairi.

"So Sora set off." Said the Narrator. "He walked and walked and walked and walked to his destination. Just walking and walking and…"

"HEY!" yelled Sora.

"What?"

"They get it. I'm walking to get the stuff, can we please move on?" asked Sora.

"Fine." Grumbled the Narrator.

Sora was walking along the beach and picking up provisions. And by "provisions", I mean he was just picking up random objects and putting it into his pockets.

"Let's see here…" murmured Sora as he checked items off his list. "Hermit Crab…check. Squid…check. Underwater Pineapple…check. Several poisonous mushrooms, 3 raw fish, unripe coconuts, and a seagull egg to give Riku salmonella… all checked off."

"Hey Sora!" came a cheerful voice.

"Oh, crap. I mean, hey Wakka!" Sora said in a (fake) cheerful voice.

"Sora! There's something I've been meaning to ask you about." Wakka walked up to Sora, grabbed him, and threw him.

Sora landed with a cracking sort of noise. He got up, looked around, and saw that he landed near a tree. Wakka walked up and pointed to a small tunnel at the base of the tree. It was difficult to see as it was partially hidden by plant life. "Me and Tidus are going to do a little exploring today. We're going to go right through the bush and plunge deep inside that hole."

Sora stared at him for a moment before saying, "…What?"

"Well there's gotta be something there, right?" Wakka's expression turned dark. "I bet it's those damn Al Bhed sneaking their fancy gadgets into our peaceful island."

He turned around to see Sora playing on a hand-held game system whose name we can't mention due to copyrights (_coughcough_PSP_coughcough_).

"MACHINA!" yelled the racist Wakka, as he took the game system and threw it into the sea.

"NO! How am I supposed to play BBS now?" shouted Sora.

"GO SORA!" yelled Wakka. "KILL THOSE GODLESS HEATHENS!" He picked up Sora and threw him into the tunnel.

Sora, for the second time in what has been an excruciatingly painful few minutes, landed flat on his face due to the actions of a racist blitzball player. "Good thing the rocks broke my fall…" whimpered Sora. He picked himself up and looked back to the entrance. "Better let him cool down for a bit." He looked down the tunnel and said, "Well, better try to find some tasty morsels while I'm in here."

Sora walked down the tunnel and entered a large cavern. Pictures were on the walls and most of the rocks. The only place that didn't have anything drawn on it was a door on the wall opposite of the tunnel.

"Man, I remember these!" Sora said while looking at several drawings. "Kairi's drawings," he looked at the _Mona Lisa_, "My abstract phase," several Picasso-like drawings, "and…Riku's…picture…" an _American Gothic _styled picture with Riku holding a Keyblade, while another Riku was staring at him. "…Man, he's weird…"

Sora moved on and came to a picture of him and Kairi. Sora kneeled down and drew a poorly drawn star going from him to Kairi.

"Dude, that's a little creepy." said a voice from behind.

Sora jumped and spun around. A man in a dark brown cloak was standing in the shadows.

"Obi-Wan Kenobi?" asked Sora.

"Not even close." said the man in the cloak. "I've come to see the door to this world."

"O…K…It's right there," Sora pointed to the door. "In all it's uninteresting glory."

"This world has been connected." continued the man.

"Sprint?" asked Sora.

"Shut. Up. Tied to the darkness…soon to be completely eclipsed."

"Look dude, I'm a big fan of cryptic foreshadowing, but you're really freakin' me out." Sora thought for a minute. "Wait, you sound like you've already hit puberty. You can't be anyone I know. Where did you come from?"

"You do not yet know what lies beyond the door." continued the man.

"Yeah, that's cuz it doesn't open." said Sora. "Seriously, how am I supposed to know what's beyond the door if the damn thing doesn't open?"

"Look, kid, I've been writing this monologue for months, ok? Shut it and let me finish." the man cleared his throat. "There is so very much to learn, you understand so little."

"OH YEAH!" yelled Sora, "Well me and my friends are going on an incredibly dangerous journey on a hastily thrown together raft, where we'll drift for possibly months with very slim chance of finding anything before our food supply runs out and we have to resort to eating each other which is why I'm bringing about 50 bottles of BBQ sauce instead of water!"

"…You kind of just proved my point there buddy." said the man. "Anyhoo, I'm tired of sharing the same oxygen with a moron, so…look over there!" He pointed behind Sora.

"ZOMG WHAT IS IT?" Screamed Sora.

After hyperventilating for several seconds, Sora turned back around to confront the man. However, the Jedi-esque man had vanished. Confused, and just a little angry about getting insulted and bamboozled, Sora went back to Kairi and the raft.

"Sora! Did you get your stuff?" asked Kairi.

Sora emptied his pockets and dropped the "supplies" in front of her and said, "Yeah, and instead of telling you about the freaky guy I met, I'll ask you what you're doing."

"Well, since you took your sweet time getting your provisions, I grabbed a bunch of shells and made a voodoo necklace. You keep it!" Kairi handed the necklace to Sora, who put it on.

"What does it do?" he asked.

"Not much, it just makes you burn horribly if you think about dating another woman except for me." She replied.

"That sounds innocent enough. Hey, want to go watch the sunset?" Sora asked.

"Why not?" said Kairi.

They walked to the pier and sat down. Kairi looked to Sora and said, "You know, you brought me to this romantic setting, and this may be the last chance we have to be alone for awhile, so…let's talk about Riku!"

"YES, I WANT TO SLEEP WITH…Riku?" asked Sora.

Kairi smiled and said, "I knew you felt that way about him! That's why we're such great friends!"

"Wait, wait, wait!" exclaimed Sora. "You mean the only reason you hang out with me is because you think I'm…Look, I like women, ok!"

"But…you're always with Riku!" said Kairi.

"That's because we compete for _your _attention!" screamed Sora.

"But…all of your accessories! Your feminine looks! Your moisturized hair!"

"My accessories complete my outfit! My feminine looks are because I'm a Square Enix character! And my hair is naturally this bouncy!" denied Sora.

"Then let's leave on the raft! Just the two of us!" said Kairi suddenly.

"Wh-what?"

"See, Sora? If you were straight, you would have jumped at the chance to leave with me!" said Kairi matter-of-factly.

"But-But-but-" stammered Sora.

"I guess that voodoo necklace I made won't be useful at all. At least it matches your outfit!" Kairi turned and walked away. She turned around and added, "Oh, you can ask me for boy advice anytime you need it, ok?"

"But-but-but…"

"Bye, Sora!" Kairi walked away.

"…But-but-but…" continued Sora.

* * *

…**That could've gone better for Sora.**

**I promise the next chapter will be the last on Destiny Island!**

**Review!**


	5. The 5th Annual Heartless Beach Party

**Kingdom Hearts: The True Story**

**By: Tour Guide62**

**Disclaimer: Fortunately for everyone, I don't own Kingdom Hearts. Square Enix plus Disney do. **

**Sorry if this is confusing, but the Narrator is telling the story and will interrupt, help, or insult Sora at different times. When he's telling the story, he has no quotation marks around his lines, but when he directly interacts with the characters his lines will have quotations around them. **

**Man, 5 chapters in and the plot's only just starting. This is definitely based on a Square Enix game.**

* * *

**Chapter 5: The 5th**** Annual Heartless Beach Party**

While Sora was still futilely stammering out arguments regarding his sexuality, Disney Castle was in an uproar. The king was missing, the royal magician was getting a severe dressing-down, and the sprinklers in the garden were malfunctioning. Well, I suppose the last issue was not a major problem, but I'm sure the gardener's going to be upset. Where was I again?

Oh, yeah! Uproar. Ok, so Donald Duck, Daisy Duck, Queen Minnie Mouse, and Goofy were in the royal library staring at the letter in Queen Minnie's hands as she read it out loud.

"_Donald," _read the queen, "_Sorry to rush off unexpectedly like this, hopefully you guys won't destroy the castle while I'm gone. I mean, remember the time I was just having dinner with Minnie, and you and Goofy managed to set the Cornerstone of Light on fire. Seriously, how'd you even manage that? Anyway, there's trouble brewin' and I've gone off to fix it. Not sure why, but the stars have started blinking out, one by one. This means either one of two things: A) Rabid Star Wars fans have built their own Death Star or B) a huge disaster is about to happen. Either way, we're in trouble. I hate to leave you in charge of things (I mean, I _really _don't want to leave you in charge. I'm serious. Have Minnie do it.) but I've gone to check it out. There's someone with a "Key"; the key to our survival. I need you and Goofy to find him and stick to him like stupid on a Disney Channel show. We need that key or else (to put it nicely) we're royally screwed. I need you two to go to Traverse Town and find a guy named Squall. He'll likely be in one of his emo moods and will be going by his alias, Leon. He should be able to point you in the right direction. It's not like he'll have beat the guy with the key senseless or something."_

"_P.S." _Minnie continued to read. "_I'm definitely not in Las Vegas gambling away my kingdom. The fact that I left on the day of the big poker tourney is completely coincidental. Daddy needs a new pair of shoes…I mean, thanks pal. Mickey."_

Daisy looked away from the letter and said, "Oh, dear."

"I know!" said Donald. "How come he gets a vacation?"

"Not that!" said Daisy. "I meant the whole apocalypse thing he mentioned in the letter!"

"We've got to trust him." said Minnie. "Hopefully he's doing something important."

_Meanwhile in Vegas:_

Mickey pulled a large pile of poker chips towards him as other Disney characters glared at him. "Suckers!"

Rufus the Naked Mole Rat slammed his head on the table as Perry the Platypus gave Mickey the finger.

_Back to what hopefully will be the plot soon:_

"Your Highness," said Donald. "Don't worry. We'll find the king and this "key".

Daisy looked at him oddly and observed, "Are you being sensitive? That's so out of character for you."

"I know." Donald agreed. "I don't like it."

Minnie interrupted the two, "Thank you both for agreeing to look for this "key"."

Daisy nodded. "Minnie and I will take care of things here. Be careful, both of you."

Minnie jumped a little and said, "I just remembered, to chronicle your travels," she pointed to the empty desk, "He will accompany you."

Donald stared at the desk for a moment before turning to Minnie. "Are you crazy?" he asked.

"Down here you feathery moron!" yelled a voice. The voice belong to none other to Jiminy Cricket. Once he had everyone's attention, he swept off his top hat and greeted, "Cricket's the name. Jiminy Cricket at your service!"

Minnie looked back at Donald and said, "We hope for your safe return. Please help the king."

Donald saluted and turned to go when he realized he'd forgotten something. He spun around and spotted Goofy dozing by a stack of books. Donald grabbed him and said, "You're coming too!" Jiminy jumped into Goofy's hat and the three left.

They walked down the long stairway to the hanger and Jiminy was explaining that his world disappeared. "…And as far as I can tell, I'm the only one who made it here." Jiminy finished.

"What about Pinocchio?" asked Donald.

"Well…" said Jiminy hesitantly. "Things were getting a little weird between us anyway."

"What do you mean?" asked Goofy.

"Well…he's starting to grow up. Why just before our world disappeared…"

_A few weeks ago:_

"Hey Pinoke! What's wrong." asked Jiminy.

"…Jiminy, I can ask you anything right?" asked Pinocchio.

"Of course!"

Pinocchio looked a little apprehensive. "Well, I've noticed something strange when I talk to girls."

"It's ok." said Jiminy quickly. "I can explain any funny feelings you might be having."

"Oh good." said a relieved Pinocchio. "Can you explain why my nose gets all long and hard when I talk to them?"

An awkward silence filled the air.

_Awkward:_

Just as an awkward silence filled the air now.

Donald cleared his throat after several uncomfortable seconds and said, "SO, Goofy. We should probably get some new clothes when we get to Traverse Town."

"You are right, Donald." said Goofy with the awkward air of one wishing to change the subject. "We have to protect the world border and whatnot."

"Order you mean." corrected Donald.

"Oh, yes."

"Right."

"Indeed."

Another long silence permeated the air.

Jiminy broke the silence, "So what do you think I should to about Pino-"

"OH LOOK, WE HAVE ARRIVED AT THE HANGER!" said Donald loudly and mechanically. They opened the door and walked into the hanger. A large orange glob seemed to be suspended in midair in front of them.

"Um, Donald?" Goofy said hesitantly. "Wasn't the gummi ship supposed to be ready?"

"Uh…yeah…" Donald said as he went over to the intercom. "Donald Duck to launch crew," he said as he spoke into it, "Why isn't the ship ready yet?"

There was a moment's silence. All of a sudden two brown blurs zoomed over to the orange blob and began to work on it. After about two minutes the blurs moved away from the newly completed gummi ship. The blurs stopped near Donald, who saw that they were two hyperactive chipmunks.

"Sorry about that Donald we should've had that ready, but you know Dale." said one of them in a squeaky voice. He had a black nose and was glaring at his companion.

"Chip that's not fair, you said Donald couldn't find the King's letter before Christmas." said Dale, the red nosed chipmunk.

The two of them bickered in high pitched squeaky voices for some time. Finally, Donald felt enough was enough.

"GUYS! Just tell me, is the ship ready?" he asked.

Dale turned and said, "Oh yeah the ship's ready."

Chip nodded and said, "Maybe just a little problem with the oxygen supply."

Dale continued, "Some slight asphyxiation at worst."

Donald gulped, "Isn't asphyxiation bad?"

Dale rolled his eyes and said, "That's why I said at worst Donald."

Chip decided to interrupt Donald's retort. "Let's get you guys on that ship."

Chip whistled and two mechanical arms grabbed both Goofy and Donald. Instead of gently putting them into the ship, the arms threw them into it. Before the cockpit hatch closed, Pluto jumped inside. A hatch opened beneath the ship and the passengers prepared to be dropped. However, an arrow flashed in front of them. Instead of pointing down, it was pointing up. A giant spring hit the ship from underneath, and it was launched through the ceiling.

_Destiny Islands:_

Sora was snoozing on the bed in his room. Several ants marched on the remains of pizza and other junk food, as what appeared to be several cockroaches hid in the clothes on the floor.

"Sora was dreaming and dozing about the events of the day." said the Narrator. He cleared his voice and spoke in a horribly high-pitched imitation of Kairi, "_If you ever need any boy advice, let me know._" He waited several seconds before adding, "_You big fruit."_

"I'M NOT GAY!" screamed Sora as he shot up from his slumber. He heard a distant rumble and looked out the window at the night sky. "A storm?" He blinked blearily for a few moments before laying his head down. "Probably nothing I have to worry about." He shut his eyes. Several seconds later he shot back up and exclaimed, "Oh my god! The _S.S. Riku Sucks_! As the Captain Navigator Cabin Boy, I cannot let this happen!" He opened his window and jumped out of it.

"Sora?" his mother called from downstairs. "Come and get your dinner! Also, don't forget to use the stairs when you come down! You know that you're on the 3rd floor!"

A very weak voice fluttered through the window, "Now she tells me…"

After fixing his dislocated shoulder, Sora ran down to the beach and stole- I mean, _borrowed_- a boat. He set off to the play island with the hopes that his 50 bottles of BBQ sauce were ok.

_Meanwhile on the Play Island:_

A large group of Shadow Heartless was gathered on the beach. Chase, the bespectacled Heartless, was staring at a checklist in his hands. He was mumbling to himself as Cameron, the curly-antenna Heartless, walked up to him.

"So, how's it going?" Cameron asked.

"Horrible." said Chase looking up. "How come I'm the one in charge of the 5th annual Heartless Beach Bash?"

"You were the one complaining that you didn't have enough responsibility." pointed out Cameron. "Maybe you should've just kept quiet."

"Maybe this would go better if _somebody _was helping me!" Chase growled.

"I am helping!" Cameron said defiantly. "I picked the music! And picked up that replacement keg when Chris and Zach downed the first one."

Cameron pointed to where Chris, the blue-eyed Heartless, and Zach, the spiked antenna Heartless, where laying on the sand.

"Dude, dude, dude dude dude dude…" Zach said drunkenly.

"Waz up?" slurred Chris.

"What did the Keyhole say to the Bladekey, or Keyblade I think?" Zach queried.

"Wha?" said Chris as he turned his head and swallowed a large amount of sand.

"I want you inside me." answered Zach.

The two Hammered Heartless giggled like schoolgirls at the joke. Chase shook his head at them and proceeded to direct the other Heartless as to where the stereo should go. Cameron watched him for a moment before going to the buffet. As he grabbed some chips, he felt somebody watching him. He turned around to find a wide-eyed Sora looking at all of the Heartless with his mouth hanging open.

"Oh, hi!" said Cameron brightly. He grabbed a plate and offered it to Sora. "Want some chips and dip?"

Sora took a deep breath.

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" he screamed as he ran off.

Cameron stared at his retreating figure in bemusement. He looked down at the plate and said, "Yeah, that's the reaction most people get to Chase's cooking."

Sora ran away from the creatures of his dream. _How did they get here? _he asked himself. _Am I still dreaming? Like Inception? _Sora stopped, grabbed a wooden plank, and spun a top on it. The top fell over almost instantly. _I guess that answers that…_

Sora looked up from the ground and stared. Somehow, in his panic, he had managed to get to the small island. And standing in the middle of it, looking perfectly content, was Riku.

"RIKU!" screamed Sora. "THOSE SHADOW THINGS FROM MY DREAM CAME BACK AND TRIED TO GIVE ME STRANGE DIP AND I RAN AND I SAW YOU AND KAIRI'S NOT HERE AND I THOUGHT SHE WAS WITH YOU AND-"

"SORA!" Riku yelled to him to calm Sora down. "First off, dip is not usually strange. Second, the door has opened."

"I KNOW, THE DOOR TO MY DEATH IF THOSE THINGS CATCH UP TO ME!" screamed Sora.

"No Sora. I meant the door has opened. Now we can go to the outside world!" Riku persisted.

"WHO THE FUDDLE-DI-DIDDLE-DIE CARES ABOUT THAT WHEN KAIRI IS NO DOUBT BEING SACRIFICED TO SAURON, LORD OF DARKNESS!"

"SORA!" Riku yelled. "One, you're confusing Lord of the Rings with reality again. And two, Kairi's coming with us!"

Sora had a blank look on his face.

Riku put his hand over his eyes. "You're thinking about jokes involving the words "Kairi" and "coming", aren't you?"

"…You know me so well…" muttered Sora.

"Ok, here's the point. We're leaving, we may not come back, we might not see our parents again…" said Riku.

"Who?" asked Sora.

Riku sighed, then said, "Join me, Sora. Join me, my silver hair dye, my Lady Gaga albums, and choose the soul-stealing powers of darkness to leave this place."

"Um…" Sora said hesitantly, "What do you mean, soul-stealing?"

"Well, I don't really-" Riku began. He was cut off when a pool of darkness opened beneath him. Tentacles of darkness shot up out of the pool and grabbed him. "AH!" Riku screamed. "I NEED AN ADULT!"

"I'll save you!" said Sora as he rushed forward. He was immediately knocked backwards. "Uh…or…maybe not." he continued from his place on the ground.

"SORA! YOU USELESS SON OF A-" yelled Riku as he disappeared.

"Riku!" yelled Sora. "Oh my god! My best friend is gone. He's gone and I have nothing to remember him by…"

The pool of darkness appeared again and spat back up the Lady Gaga CD's.

"Except…for…the Lady Gaga CD's which apparently even the forces of darkness don't like." he paused for a moment before wondering aloud, "I wonder if the forces of light enjoy Lady Gaga?"

A bright light shone from up above as a key shaped sword dropped down from above and stabbed in the middle of the CD's.

"Guess not…" said Sora.

_Later:_

"You know something, Chase?" Cameron asked as the party continued. "This was actually a pretty great party."

"Thanks!" said Chase. He frowned for a minute. "Hey, what's everyone screaming about?"

"I don't hear any- OH MY GOD, MY CHEST!" screamed Cameron as a key-shaped blade appeared in the middle of his diaphragm.

Meanwhile, Zach and Chris were laying in the sand. They felt slightly more coherent and they watched the situation with interest.

"Wait! My chips!" They heard Chase scream.

"Hey Zach?" asked Chris.

"Yes?" said Zach.

"Is a crazy teenager taking a blade to all of the others?"

"Seems like it."

"Ah."

They were silent for a moment.

"Hey Zach?"

"Yes Chris?"

"We should probably hide, bro."

Meanwhile, back near the bodies of Cameron and Chase, Sora was still continuing his rampage.

Cameron stop looking at the hole in his chest and looked to Chase's decapitated head.

"Hey, before we disappear back into the darkness, I have one thing to say to you." said Cameron.

Chase's eyes shifted to Cameron. "What?" he said, which was an achievement considering he lost his vocal cords.

"Worst. Party. Ever."

* * *

**So remember how last chapter I said that **_**this **_**chapter was gonna be the last one on Destiny Islands?**

**Yeah, I lied.**

**Review!**


	6. Travesty Town

**Kingdom Hearts: The True Story**

**By: Tour Guide62**

**Disclaimer: Fortunately for everyone, I don't own Kingdom Hearts. Square Enix plus Disney do. **

**Sorry if this is confusing, but the Narrator is telling the story and will interrupt, help, or insult Sora at different times. When he's telling the story, he has no quotation marks around his lines, but when he directly interacts with the characters his lines will have quotations around them. **

**About the Heartless in this parody, only the Shadows will be peaceful. Every other type of Heartless is evil.**

* * *

**Chapter 6: Travesty Town**

After slaughtering the Heartless on the beach (except for two lucky ones who just pretended to be dead), Sora rushed all around the island, looking for Kairi. After several minutes of searching, Sora dropped down on the beach, exhausted.

"How the hell am I supposed to find Kairi?" he asked. "She could be anywhere!"

"Try the secret place." Said the Narrator.

"I mean, it's not like I even know for certain that she's here." Continued Sora.

"Try the secret place!" replied the Narrator.

"If only somebody would tell me where she is!" said the oblivious Sora.

"…Well," started the Narrator, who had a sudden flash of inspiration, "She's definitely not in the secret place."

"I know!" exclaimed Sora. "I'll try the secret place!"

As Sora ran off, the Narrator smiled and said, "Reverse psychology. Gets 'em every time."

Sora came to entrance of the secret place and stopped in shock. Instead of the normal entrance, a large door with a "Do Not Disturb" sign was guarding the tunnel.

"Well, that's a lot better than trying to crawl through all the bushes and plants." Said Sora happily. He opened the door only to find…a lot of bushes and plants. "…Crap" he said sadly.

Once Sora had crawled inside the tunnel and pulled several bugs out of his hair, he began to walk down the tunnel. Reaching the cavern, he yelled out, "Kairi!"

Kairi was facing the door at the other side of the cavern.

"Kairi?" questioned Sora.

There was no response from Kairi.

"Kairi!"

"…"

"Yoo-Hoo!"

"…"

Sora was silent for a few moments. Then, with much reluctance, he said, "Wanna talk about Riku?"

Kairi turned around slowly and said, "…Sora…"

"Yes, Kairi?"

"…I knew you loved him."

"NO I DON'T!" Sora screamed in anger.

Kairi's rebuttal was lost as the door suddenly swung open and hit her from behind. Kairi rocketed towards Sora.

_Ok Sora,_ he thought to himself, _this is your chance. Just catch her and stop her from splattering all over the walls. Ready? Now!_

Sora threw open his arms and caught…nothing. He opened his eyes, looked around, and screamed, "ARE YOU F*CKING SERIOUS?" before he was blown backwards by the gale coming from the open door.

After slamming through the tunnel entrance and flying through the air for several minutes, Sora finally landed on the beach. At least, what he assumed was the beach. He got on his hands and knees and looked down. He was now on a piece of the island, which was floating several hundred feet above the ocean. He looked up and was granted a close-up view of the black hole.

"Well," Sora said, "At least things can't get any worse."

He heard a huge crash behind him and turned around. The huge giant from his dreams was standing several feet behind him. Sora sighed, pulled out his Keyblade, and muttered, "Me and my big mouth…"

He dodged several bursts of light that came from the giant's chest and attacked its wrists. After several slashes he stopped and said, "I have no idea why I thought his freakin' wrists were a weak point. Maybe I hoped to hit a vein or something?"

As Sora was contemplating, he failed to notice the giant's foot swinging toward him. It hit him and sent him flying into the remains of a tree.

Before Sora could get back up, he heard a voice yell, "NOW!" Sora turned his head and saw Tidus, Selphie, and Wakka running towards the giant.

"FOR YUNA!" yelled Tidus.

"FOR IRVINE!" yelled Selphie.

"FOR BLITZBALL!" yelled Wakka.

The giant took one look at the three charging teenagers, bent down, and just flicked all of them off the remnants of the island. Seeing that the giant was still bending down, Sora had an idea. He ran towards the giant and stabbed it in the eye with the Keyblade. The giant clutched its eye, lost its balance, and fell off the island.

"WHOO-HOO!" Sora cheered. "I'M AMAZING! I-"

The rest of Sora's boasts were cut short when a large amount of sand was suddenly sucked into the black hole. Still coughing and choking, Sora was also sucked in.

_Meanwhile:_

Goofy and Donald were walking through a city. The city was dark, cold, uninviting, and reminded Donald forcibly of his mother. He tugged at the collar of his new outfit. He had traded in his wizard hat and robes for a blue hat and a blue shirt, and though they were while fashionable, they itched like there was no tomorrow.

"Huh?" he heard Goofy say.

Donald turned around and glared at the dog. His nerves were already strained with both the king's absence and from spending several hours in the Gummi Ship listening to Goofy's knock-knock jokes. Add in Pluto's smell and the constant phone calls from Daisy asking him to get her souvenirs, and Donald was left in an extremely sour mood.

"Goofy, what are you doing?" he asked. Goofy was standing stock-still several feet behind Donald and was pointing at the sky with his mouth open. Goofy had also changed clothes. Instead of his knight armor, he was now wearing an orange hat, a green shirt, black vest, and orange pants.

Goofy looked at Donald and said, "I think a star's gonna go out."

Donald looked up at the night sky. The stars twinkled back at him and not one looked like it was going out. Donald, with his eyes still staring at the sky said, "Goofy, those stars look perfectly fine. Besides, there probably billions of miles away, so even if one did go out, we wouldn't see it for probably thousands of yea-" Donald's scientific rant was cut short as a loud explosion and bright light lit up the sky. Temporaily blinded, Donald grabbed his eyes and muttered, "…Never mind."

"Donald! What if the King was on that world?" questioned Goofy.

Donald blinked the spots out of his eyes and answered, "Come on, Goofy. Mickey's not dumb enough to get caught on a dying world."

_Meanwhile in the ruins of Las Vegas:_

King Mickey Mouse ducked behind an overturned roulette table as several Heartless attacked the patrons of the casino.

He grabbed a broken beer bottle, popped up, and stabbed a Heartless with it. As it faded into darkness, Mickey grumbled, "I can't believe I was dumb enough to get caught on a dying world…"

_Back to the plot:_

"Come on, Goofy." Said Donald. "We need to find this Leon guy."

The two started walking away, until Donald remembered something. "Goofy, you tied Pluto to the ship, right?"

"Sure did!"

Unbeknownst to both Donald and Goofy, Pluto had gotten out of the flimsy knot that Goofy had tethered him to the ship with. After smelling some interesting garbage and relieving himself on a man's leg, Pluto decided to go find some bitches (Female dogs).

After several minutes of searching, Pluto decided that there were no bitches (Girl dogs) around. However, there was a funny smell coming from the alleyway. Deciding that it might be food, Pluto headed down the alley.

There was no food, just a dead monkey. Wait! Pluto could see it breathing! Maybe it's just asleep. Maybe it can find some food! But how to wake it? Hmmm… he had a sudden idea. Pluto got up on his hind legs and slammed his front paws into the monkey's scrawny chest.

_CRACK!_

As Sora's ribs shattered, he felt like something was wrong. He opened his eyes, got up, and looked around. He was in a dirty alley and was alone with a dog. "Where am I?" he wheezed.

He looked at the dog, knelt down, and said, "Do you know where we are?"

The Narrator paused and said, "You do know your talking to a dog, right?"

"It may seem silly talking to a dog, but with the way this day has turned out, I really wouldn't be surprised if I did run into a talking dog." Sora replied.

"What about a duck?" asked the Narrator.

"Uhm…" said Sora nervously. "Sure, I guess." He turned back to the dog and muttered under his breath, "Freakin' weirdo."

He blinked. The dog was gone. He probably left when he realized Sora wasn't going to feed him. Sora dropped to his knees and yelled, "Why does everything run away from me?"

Sora cried for several minutes before he got back up. He decided that his efforts were probably best spent finding his friends rather than crying in a dank alleyway. He walked out of the alley and was surprised to see tall buildings, bright lights, and adults.

"Weird. I really am on another world!" said Sora.

A man walking by smiled uncomfortably at Sora and said, "Sure you are," he walked away and added under his breath, "…weirdo…"

Sora glared after him. "I need to find out where I am," he decided, "and I need to know what happened to my island. I swear I won't rest until…" Sora turned around and saw that he was in front of an Accessory shop. "OH MY GOD!" Sora squealed. "ACCESSORIES!" He ran inside.

There was nobody inside the shop except for a man working at the counter. He had graying blonde hair and had what appeared to be a giant toothpick in his mouth. As soon as he heard the bell above the door ring, he turned, smiled, and said, "Hey there, how can I help ya…" He looked at Sora and said, "Aw, it's only a kid. And a boy at that! Figured ya were a girl. Thought I'd actually sell somethin' for gawd's sake…"

"Well, I'm not a girl and don't call me kid, Gramps." Said Sora angrily.

"Don't call me Gramps! Name's Cid."

"Just like 70% of all Final Fantasy characters…" mumbled Sora. He then said, "My name's Sora."

Cid stared at Sora for a moment before saying, "I've never seen you around here, you new or somethin'?"

"I don't even know where 'here' is." Replied Sora. He then proceeded to tell Cid about his island and how it was overrun.

"That is fascinatin'," said Cid, "But this sure as hell ain't your island. This is Traverse Town."

"Traverse Town? Maybe I really am on another world." Sora mumbled to himself. "Maybe I should try to look for my friends."

"OR!" shouted Cid. "Or you could stay here and buy somethin'!"

"That's it! I'll go look for my friends!" Sora smiled at Cid. "Thanks Gramps!" Sora ran out of the shop.

"Wait! Don't leave!" Cid yelled after him. "Buy somethin'! I haven't sold anythin' in three weeks! I'm starvin'!"

After several minutes, Cid pulled out a phone and dialed a number. The phone rang for several seconds before a man answered.

"Hello?" The man on the other line said.

"Hey, it's Cid."

"For the last time Cid, I don't want any accessories."

"It's not that!" groused Cid. "Wait, are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Damn it!" Cid swore. "Aw well, that's not what I wanted anyways." Cid proceeded to tell the man about Sora.

"Really?" the man questioned. "Well, I guess I'll go…'welcome' him to the neighborhood."

"Didn't you put the last person you 'welcomed' into a coma?" questioned Cid.

"…Shut up." The man said as he hung up the phone.

* * *

**Next chapter we get to meet our favorite lone gunman cliche!**

**Review!**


	7. Exposition at Gunpoint

**Kingdom Hearts: The True Story**

**By: Tour Guide62**

**Disclaimer: Since I'm not working at Disney or Square Enix, I do not own Kingdom Hearts. The only things in this parody I do own are the bad jokes and pop culture references.**

**Sorry if this is confusing, but the Narrator is telling the story and will interrupt, help, or insult Sora at different times. When he's telling the story, he has no quotation marks around his lines, but when he directly interacts with the characters his lines will have quotations around them. **

**About the Heartless in this parody, only the Shadows will be peaceful. Every other type of Heartless is evil.**

* * *

**Chapter 7: Exposition at Gunpoint**

Sora left the Accessory Shop with one thing on his mind…to get the hell away from Cid. Oh, and to find his friends, I suppose. He saw a man walking by and stopped him. "How big is this city, anyway?" asked Sora.

The man shrugged and answered, "The town is split into three districts. This," the man gestured around them, "is the First District."

"How do I get to the others?" asked Sora.

"If you go through that big and obvious door over there," the man pointed at the door, "You'll be in Second District."

"Ok, thanks Random Citizen!" said Sora.

"No problem, Ignorant Moron!" replied the man.

Sora left the man and walked towards the door. On his way, he saw what looked like an empty shop. He hopped over the display cases and saw a large safe. He tried opening it, but to his disappointment, it was locked.

"Damn!" swore Sora. "If only I had some sort of key…"

"…Are you serious?" asked the Narrator.

"Yes! How am I supposed to open this safe without a key?" Sora demanded.

"…That's a good question, Sora." The Narrator lied. "Perhaps the answer is in Second District."

"Good thinking, Mr. Disembodied Voice." Said Sora. He opened the door to the Second District and walked through it.

The first thing Sora saw in the Second District was the man from before. The man was running away from something, but Sora couldn't see what. The man tripped and fell to the ground. He flipped onto his back and looked at Sora.

"You!" said the man. "Help me!"

Sora puffed out his chest and asked in his best 'hero' voice, "What's attacking you, Random Citizen?"

"It was some sort of jittery thing in armor!" Cried the man.

Sora turned around to see if the thing was behind him. "Don't worry!" he told the man. "I've got the eyes of a hawk, the ears of a deer, and the memory of a goldfish. There's no way that thing will sneak by me."

Sora turned around to see that the man's body was gone and a chalk outline was in its place.

"…Oh crud…" said Sora.

Sora heard a loud clanking noise and looked to his right. A jittery thing in a suit of armor was standing 3 feet away from him and was staring at him.

"Yoooooouuuuuuuuuu…" it moaned as it pointed a finger at Sora. It disappeared in a ball of darkness.

Sora stared at the spot where the thing had disappeared. He shrugged and said, "Well, that wasn't so bad…"

He turned and came face-to-face with Chris the Heartless.

"Hello again." said Chris. "You haven't seen Chase, Cameron, or Zach around, have you?"

After Sora sliced poor Chris in half, he paused and looked around. "I guess those things from the island followed me here."

"Actually, we just came because our bosses told us to." said a voice. Sora slowly turned to find Chase the Heartless pushing his glasses back up his face. "Say, you haven't seen Cameron or Zach around have you?"

"Slaughtering yet another innocent Heartless, Sora made his way towards the door to the Third District," said the Narrator. "Once there…he…he…HEY!" the Narrator shouted at Sora, who was standing still.

"What?" asked Sora.

"Shouldn't you be going to the Third District?" asked the Narrator.

"Are Riku and Kairi there?"

The Narrator paused, "…Well no, but…"

"Then there's no point in going there then, is there?"

"…So what do you want to do?" asked the Narrator.

"I'll go ask Cid if he's seen Riku or Kairi." said Sora.

"You realize that it has been about 6 minutes since you've seen him last right? He probably hasn't done anything or even moved from the counter in the store."

Sora shrugged. "At the very least, I can steal some of those accessories." Sora seemed to realize what he said, because a second later he tried to play it off. "I-uh-I-I mean steal the money out of the register…right."

"So as Sora turned and made his lazy-ass way back to Cid's…" said the Narrator.

"HEY!" yelled Sora.

…he passed a rather odd looking dou. A duck in a blue outfit and a dog who is evidently a Packers fan were making their way to a hotel.

"Hey kid?" asked the duck. "You haven't seen a guy named Leon around here have you?"

"No, sorry." replied Sora. "You haven't seen a girl in a ripped skirt or a guy with silver/pink hair around here have you?"

"Nope." replied the dog. "Welp, see ya!"

"Yeah, bye." said Sora. He watched as the two walked away and thought to himself, _Huh, how did a dog and a duck learn English? Oh well, maybe it's better if I don't think about it. I mean, it's not like I'll ever see those two again_. And with that final moment of tempting fate, Sora went back to walking towards Cid's shop.

Opening the door to the First District, the first thing that Sora saw was Zach the Heartless hanging around and reading a tourist map.

Zach noticed Sora, turned around, smiled and asked, "Hey! Have you seen where-" Zach was cut off when Sora cut him in half with the Keyblade.

Sora took several deep breaths as he continued to walk towards Cid's. _Those things are so creepy_, he thought. He reached the Accessory Shop and walked inside.

"Cid give me money." Said Sora quickly.

"No way in hell." replied Cid.

"Damn. Have you at least seen my friends?" asked Sora.

"…Kid it has been like 13 minutes since I saw you last. Of course I haven't seen your friends. I haven't even moved from this goddamn counter." answered Cid.

"Well, I checked all over town and couldn't find them." lamented Sora.

"That sucks. Did you check Third District yet?" asked Cid.

Sora looked up in confusion, "Does anything ever happen in Third District?"

Cid thought for a moment. "…Not really, no."

"Thought so." said Sora. "Regardless maybe it is a good idea to check the whole town for my friends. I guess I'll have to go to stupid-ugly-never going to find anyone there-Third District."

"Sure you don't want to buy an Accessory?" asked Cid.

"Not on your life! None of them do my looks justice." Sora shot back as he exited the building.

"They'll come at you out of nowhere." said a voice.

"Holy sh**!" screamed Sora.

"And they'll keep on coming at you." said a scarred man in a leather jacket.

"Ha! If I had a nickel for everytime I heard that!" laughed Sora.

"…Just give me that f**king Keyblade, so I can be the hero of this story." said the man.

"No." said Sora.

"…Please?" asked the man.

"NO!" yelled Sora.

"I'll give you mine." The man pulled out something that looked like a gun shoved up a sword's rear end.

"…That looks stupid." said Sora.

"Yeah, because swinging around a giant f**king key is soooo cool."

"IT IS COOL!" yelled Sora.

"…You know what? I'm not dealing with this." The man pulled up his gun/sword and proceeded to shoot Sora.

"…What the fu-" The rest of Sora's curse was cut off as he collapsed to the ground.

"HOLY SH** SQUALL!" screamed a girl. She was dressed in a small green top and an extremely short skirt, which in combination left very little to the imagination. "YOU WERE JUST SUPPOSED TO FIND HIM, NOT KILL HIM!"

"The name's Leon." said Squall.

"That's retarded." said the girl.

"Shut up Yuffie." growled Squall. "And I didn't kill him. I shot him with a tranquilizer."

"Then what's with all the blood?" Yuffie screamed.

"The tranquilizer was a bullet!" yelled Squall. "Now help me with his dead body! We need to hide it!"

"Why?" asked Yuffie.

"I CAN'T GO BACK TO PRISON!" screamed Squall.

Cameron the Heartless watched as Squall and Yuffie dragged Sora's corpse away. "Wow." he said to himself. "I am so glad I didn't ask them were Chase, Chris, and Zach are."

(_Meanwhile, in a dark street_)

"For the last time, I don't want to buy a f**king watch!" screamed Donald as he set fire to yet another swindler. "Ahh…the smell of burning people always brightens my day."

"It's like it's Monday again, huh Donald?" asked Goofy.

"Yeah." Agreed Donald. "That was a good day." He started to walk further down the street. After a few seconds, Goofy followed.

Goofy looked around nervously and said, "It sure is quiet without all of the homeless people and criminals. What if something jumps out at us."

Donald scoffed, turned, and started to walk backwards. "Dude, I just set fire to an entire street. I think I can handle whatever this place has to throw at us." Unfortunately for Donald, he did not see the girl right behind him and walked into her. "Oh. I'm sorry." he apologized.

The girl in the pink dress slowly turned around to look at him. Then she smiled slowly. "No need to apologize. Would you like to buy some flowers?" she asked, her grin getting wider.

"Uh…no thanks." said Donald.

"I would _**really **_appreciate it." said the girl, whose smile was now something resembling a smile an insane murderer would have as he commenced his newest homicidal rampage.

Had Donald been paying attention, he might have noticed that the girls voice seemed to take on a distorted quality and that her eyes started to glow red. Being under her hypnotic thrall, however, he noticed nothing. "Must…buy…flowers…" he said in a droning sort of voice.

"But Donald, aren't we supposed to be looking for this Leon guy the King wanted us to find?" asked Goofy.

"Oh, the King sent you two?" said the girl, her Slasher Smile disappearing and her voice going back to her soft tones. "In that case, follow me."

Goofy picked up the still dazed Donald and started to follow her. "What are these flowers anyway?"

"…You're not with the FBI, are you?"

(_Some time later_)

"…come on…wake…" Sora could vaguely hear a familiar voice. He struggled to wake up, but gave up about 5 seconds later. _Come back later voice. I'm busy_, he thought to himself. For now, Sora was content to lay on what he assumed was a bed.

"Wake the f**k up Sora." said Kairi's voice.

Sora opened his eyes and was a little surprised to see that, A. He was in some sort of hotel room, and B. Kairi was standing in front of him.

"Nice tent." she said.

"Uh…it's just the way my pants are…it just…" stammered Sora.

"Shut up." advised Kairi. "Anyway, those creatures that attacked you are really just after the Keyblade."

"So…if I dropped the damn thing and ran away they wouldn't find me?" asked Sora.

"Actually, they have a personal vendetta against you for just picking it up."

"…I'm going to ignore everything you just said to say that I'm glad that you're okay Kairi. Let's make out." said Sora.

"Kairi?" said Kairi. "I'm not Kairi. I'm Yuffie." And with that, Sora's vision of Kairi disappeared, only to be replaced by the sight of Yuffie bending towards him and providing him an opportunity to look down her shirt.

"We'll talk more about the making out later." she said. She then turned her head and yelled, "HE'S AWAKE SQUALL!"

"MY NAME IS LEON, DAMNIT!" screamed Squall.

"Hello Leon Damnit!" said Sora as he waved.

"Wha- NO! My name is Squa- LEON! MY NAME IS LEON!" insisted Squall. "Now how the hell did you manage to get the Keyblade?" he gestured to the Keyblade, which was propped up against the door.

"The Keyblade?" asked Sora. "You people keep your grubby paws off that, it's mine!"

"Excuse us, Princess." said Yuffie. She sat down on the bed. "We had to get it away from you to throw off the Heartless."

"It was the only way to conceal you from them." said Squall. "But it won't last. They'll eventually track you down and devour you like a person flavored kielbasa."

"Kill-what?" asked Sora.

"Kielbasa. It's some sort of Polish sausage." said Squall. "With the right kind of spices, it's actually very- THIS ISN'T IMPORTANT!" he yelled. "How could someone like you be the main character in this thing!" He grabbed the Keyblade and chucked it at Sora. Sora dodged and the Keyblade embedded itself into the wall.

Squall sighed and walked towards Sora. "Well…I guess we don't have any choice. I guess I should be glad that you're not whiny like that guy from Final Fantasy X."

(_Meanwhile, in another dimension._)

"Wakka!" Whined Tidus. "I'm tired. My daddy's a whale, the girl I love is on a suicide mission that I just found out about, and my feet huuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrt!"

Wakka sighed.

(_Back to the actual main character_)

"My island was destroyed, my friends are missing, I keep getting attacked by these freaky things, you _shot_ me for God's sake, and my raft is most likely at the bottom of the ocean!" screamed Sora.

"Holy sh**…" Squall said.

(_Meanwhile, in another hotel room_)

The girl in the pink dress introduced herself to Donald and Goofy. "My name is Aerith. Now I'm sure you have many questions so I'll…"

As she continued talking, Goofy leaned down and whispered to Donald, "What did she say her name was?"

Donald looked puzzled. "I think she said Aerith, but I really want to call her Aeris."

Aerith/Aeris looked over at the two. "So you guys know that virtually every Disney movie that people care about, and _Tron_, have their own world, correct?"

Donald nodded while Goofy asked, "Aren't they supposed to be a secret?"

Aeris shrugged and said, "Honestly, I think everyone will know about other worlds by the sequel. It's really not that big of a deal. Anyway, they've been connected because of those damn dirty Heartless."

(_Back in the other room_)

"Isn't that that Kanye West song?" asked Sora. "_Why you gotta be so heartless…_"

"No. And for the love of God stop singing." said Squall.

"Why? It's not like there's going to be a whole part in the sequel that's nothing but singing." pointed out Sora.

"That'd be ridiculous." said Squall.

"Anyway," said Yuffie, "The Heartless are the ones that attacked you. Those shadowy things, remember?"

"Those without hearts." said Squall.

"…I think I could've figured that out by myself, Leon." said Sora. "You know, by their freakin' _name_. It's really not too hard to figure out."

"You little-"

"The darkness in people's hearts are what attracts them." interrupted Yuffie. "Every Heartless is an evil soul sucking monster."

(_Meanwhile at a nearby bakery_)

Cameron the Heartless pulled his face away from a gigantic cake. He had frosting on his face and stuck on his curly antennas.

"Man, those other guys are missing out on this!" he said happily. He stuck his face back in the cake and continued eating.

(_Back in the hotel room_)

"Yep." Yuffie nodded. "Every. Single. Heartless." She looked at Sora and asked, "Ever heard of someone named Ansem?"

(_In the other room_)

"Never heard of him." said Goofy. "Is he relevant to the plot?"

"Only a whole lot." said Aerith. "He was studying the Heartless and recorded his findings in a detailed report. He's also a _New York Times_ bestselling author."

"Who isn't?" asked Donald.

"Hey, can we see it?" asked Goofy. "You know, so we only have the fifteen other things we have to look for in this stupid story and not waste our time searching for this guy's…"

"I don't have it." said Aeris. "The pages are scattered everywhere."

"…Crud." said Goofy.

"What do you mean scattered!" yelled Donald.

"They have been lost across many worlds." said Aerith.

"Gee." said Donald. "That narrows it down to, oh I don't know, all of_ SPACE_!"

"Hey, Donald!" said Goofy. "Maybe the King went to find them!"

(_Meanwhile_)

King Mickey, having narrowly escaped the destruction of Las Vegas, was in his gummi ship.

"I need to get a better weapon than this." He said as he looked down at his trusty broken beer bottle. He paused in his thoughts. "…wasn't there something else I was supposed to be looking for?"

(_Back to Mickey's underlings_)

"I thought so too." said Aeris.

"Really?" asked Goofy.

"No." said Aerith.

"Hold on a second Goofy!" said Donald. "We need to find this 'Key' thing the King wanted us to find."

"Yeah, what is that anyway?" asked Goofy. "Is it like a literal key or a metaphorical key?"

"Metaphorical, I guess." said Donald. "A literal key would be just plain silly."

(_In the other hotel room_)

"So…" said Sora as he held up the Keyblade. "This is the 'key'? A giant literal key?" He looked at Squall and said, "That's just plain silly."

"The Heartless have great fear of the Keyblade." said Squall.

"It's like a sword that unlocks their death." chimed in Yuffie.

"It's why they'll keep chasing you. No matter what." said Squall.

(_Meanwhile, back in the bakery_)

"I love this cake!" cried a happy (and frosting covered) Cameron.

(_Back to the plot_)

"Well, I never asked for this." said Sora. He held out the Keyblade as though one of the two others would take it from him and deny him his main character destiny.

"The Keyblade chooses its master. It's like the One Ring, but good." said Yuffie.

"And…it chose me?" asked Sora.

"Sure!" said a chipper Yuffie. "It's not like it was supposed to go to your best friend, but he chose the path of darkness and went to you as a runner-up."

"So way to win the giant f**ked up lottery." said Squall.

"But what about my island, my friends, my _dinner_?" yelled Sora.

"Who cares." said Squall.

"_**I DO!**_" yelled a voice. All of a sudden, a Soldier-type Heartless appeared in the room.

Squall grabbed his Gunblade and shouted, "Yuffie go!" He faced the Heartless…only for it to receive a shuriken in the eye. He turned around to see Yuffie brandishing several of the throwing stars and getting in the position to throw more.

"No." she said.

"But…Aerith." said Squall.

"She can handle herself against a few Heartless." said Yuffie confidently.

"I meant go protect the Heartless from Aeris!" yelled Squall.

Yuffie face grew pale and she ran into the other room. She saw Donald and Goofy cowering in a corner while Aerith was beating a Heartless to death with another Heartless.

Donald, noticing Yuffie, whimpered, "Help."

One brave Soldier Heartless went behind Aeris and jumped in the air, his claws poised to stab her in the back. "SNEAK ATTACK MOTHERF**KER!" He yelled.

Aerith just turned around and grabbed the Soldier by the head. "Thought I'd fall for that again, did you Sephiroth?" She said in a crazy voice. "Well, you thought wrong, didn't you!" And with that she crushed the poor Heartless's head with her hand.

Meanwhile, Leon and Sora faced even more Soldier Heartless in the other room.

"Sora?" said Squall. He had his Gunblade pointed directly at a Heartless's head. "Kill the bastards."

* * *

**Next chapter will be filled with comedy and maybe a little action.**

**Also, you will get your first glimpse of some of the villains in this story.**

**And yes, Cameron the Heartless is still eating that cake.**

**Review Please!**


	8. Idiots Unite!

**Kingdom Hearts: The True Story**

**By: Tour Guide62**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts. If I did, I would slap myself for making this ridiculous parody.**

**Sorry if this is confusing, but the Narrator is telling the story and will interrupt, help, or insult Sora at different times. When he's telling the story, he has no quotation marks around his lines, but when he directly interacts with the characters his lines will have quotations around them. **

**About the Heartless in this parody, only the Shadows will be peaceful. Every other type of Heartless is evil.**

* * *

**Chapter 8: The Idiots Unite**

When most people think of hotel room infestations, they tend to think of something along the lines of cockroaches or mice.

Sora and Squall wished they were that lucky.

The first Soldier Heartless that had appeared was quickly joined by several others, and soon after that Heartless after Heartless started to appear in the room and quickly threatened to overrun the two brunette bastards with slightly inconceivable swords. They would have too, if not for three things.

Reason number one is that Squall has had vast experience in destroying anything that even slightly pisses him off, and these Heartless were currently working on his already frayed nerves. He focused his anger and used it to shoot, slice, and skewer anything that wandered into his line of sight.

Reason number two is that Sora had found three cans of Red Bull in the room's mini-fridge. Ignoring the sign on the inside of the fridge that stated that each Red Bull costs 300 munny (not that it would have affected Sora, as the room was registered under Squall's fake name, "Leon"), and ignoring his mother's orders to never ever even touch an energy drink, Sora had downed the cans quicker than an alcoholic after an AA meeting. Currently, Sora was what the Heartless saw as a red blur as he zipped around the room in a massive caffeine-induced high; slicing apart both Heartless and the furniture (also not his problem. The munny is going to come out of Squall's pocket anyway.).

The final reason is that, frankly, the Soldier is a generally stupid type of Heartless. Their main focus was to devour the hearts of the two swordsmen, like they were some kind of blood coated candy. So instead of doing the logical thing and make strategies to overpower Sora and Squall, they merely ran forward, mowing down their comrades in the process, and were almost immediately cut, sliced, or murderlized.

Regardless of the Soldiers suicidal charges, Squall noticed the room was getting rather cramped. The door was no way out; it was much too boring of an exit. The ceiling? No, that wouldn't do, there are spiders in the ceiling. The window? That'd work!

Squall grabbed a nearby Heartless and chucked it out the window. "FOLLOW ME!" he yelled to Sora as he leaped out of another window.

Looking at the two broken windows, Sora paused. "Yeah…I think I'll take the stairs."

Fighting his way down the stairs (At one moment, he simply decided to push a Heartless down the stairway), Sora burst through the backdoor and found himself in an alleyway. A very dark alleyway. Sora stumbled over boxes, garbage, and the occasional drunk in his attempt to find Squall.

Sora heard groaning several feet away from him. "Mr. Leon Damnit?" he asked.

"My name is just… oh forget it." came Squall's voice. Squall picked himself up off the cement and looked at Sora. "…That really wasn't one of my better ideas."

Sora simply stared at him.

"…What?" asked Squall.

Sora pointed at his leg. Squall looked down and saw his right leg sticking out at an odd angle. How he was still standing was anyone's guess.

"…That's weird, you'd think I'd feel the pa-" Squall suddenly clutched at his leg with a grimace of pain on his face. "THERE IT IS!" he screamed.

"Are you okay?" asked Sora.

"DOES IT F**KING LOOK LIKE I'M OKAY?" yelled Squall.

"Actually it looks like you are in incredible pain and/or that you are very pissed."

"…Both actually." Squall grimaced. He couldn't fight whatever was controlling the Heartless on his bad leg. He could get Yuffie, but she was still up in the hotel, keeping Aerith from brutalizing defenseless Heartless.

"…Crap." said Squall. He turned towards Sora, "Even though it pains me as much as a broken leg to say it, but I need your help."

Sora started to bounce up and down in excitement. "What do I do!" he asked/squealed.

"STOP BOUNCING!" yelled Squall. "I need you to go find the Heartless leader, ok?"

"Ok." said Sora.

"Then I need you to fight the Heartless leader." continued Squall.

"Gotcha." said Sora.

"And I need you to win the fight against the Heartless leader." finished Squall.

"You lost me." said Sora.

Squall sighed and said in annoyance, "Look, just go run around town until something big attacks you. When it does, smash it."

"Smash? Whoo-hoo!" cheered Sora. He jumped and landed on Squall's leg. "Don't worry Mr. Leon, I will smash it to bits! Then you'll be my friend forever! Right, Leon? Leon?" Sora looked at Squall, who had passed out from the pain of having Sora land on his leg. "…Poor guy. Fighting those Heartless must have tired him out."

"Sora stepped off of Squall and exited the alleyway." read the Narrator. "He wandered aimlessly; searching for the evil Heartless leader. He would not rest until he-"

"Excuse me!" yelled Sora.

"For God's sake, what is it now?" asked the Narrator.

"Can we just skip to the part where I find where he is?" asked Sora.

"No!"

"Please?"

"…Fine."

(_Some time later_)

Sora stepped through the door to the Third District, as he had searched everywhere else in town. The first thing he noticed was that it was strangely emptier, quieter, and better lit than the Second District. He saw a flight of stairs that lead to a large plaza.

Meanwhile, on a balcony above, Goofy leaned over and looked at a brunette kid fall down the stairs. "Hey Donald," he said. "It's that feller from before."

"I'm a little busy Goofy!" yelled Donald as he stared down two Heartless. The two monsters were slowly advancing on him and Goofy. "Let's see how they like this!" said Donald as he prepared to cast a spell.

Down in the plaza, Sora heard a distant explosion and screams that seemed to be getting closer and closer. Looking up in confusion, he was suddenly hit by what seemed to be a dog and some sort of demented goose. All three of them ended up in a pile on the ground.

"Mr. Weatherman…" said a dazed Sora. "That wasn't in the forecast today…"

"Donald?" asked Goofy, whose face was getting smushed into his shield. "Did ya have to use the Self-Destruct spell?"

"Well…" said Donald, whose tail was still on fire, "…It worked didn't it?" Standing up and putting out his tail, he looked and saw the Keyblade several inches away from Sora. "Hey kid, you dropped your key." He said to Sora.

"Wait… his _what_?" asked Goofy.

"His…key…" said Donald slowly. "…Wait…"

Both Donald and Goofy pointed at the Keyblade and said, "The Key!"

Suddenly, pillars shot up out of the ground in front of all of the stairways. There was no way out of the plaza and Soldier Heartless started to appear.

Picking himself off of the ground and grabbing the Keyblade, Sora turned to the others. "Are you friends with these guys?" he asked. Both Donald and Goofy shook their heads. "Then let's get them!" Sora, Donald, and Goofy charged at the group of Heartless.

Sora started to swing the Keyblade at several Heartless, making them explode in a purple cloud of smoke. Cheering in victory, Sora failed to notice several others behind him.

Seeing that Sora was in trouble, Goofy pulled a Captain America and threw his shield. It bounced off of a statue of two dogs and crashed through the group of Heartless.

Donald was holding off Heartless with a mix of ice, thunder, and fire magic. However, one of his Blizzard spells missed his intended target and wound up hitting a statue of Walt Disney. Staring at the frozen statue, Donald said to himself, "…Better not tell the King about this one…"

(_Meanwhile_)

King Mickey's Gummi Ship soared through the darkness of space. In the cockpit, Mickey was spinning in his chair; clearly bored.

"I'm BORED!" he yelled to himself. "Who knew finding a weapon would be this hard?" Mickey's complaints were interrupted by Mickey experiencing an unexplainable shudder. "What…why do I feel like something bad just happened? It's like some sort of long-forgotten urban legend just got referenced again." He thought for a moment. "…Well. It's probably nothing to do with either Donald or Goofy. I shouldn't worry about it."

All of a sudden the ship's warning alarms started to go off.

Mickey sighed and spun the seat so it was facing the controls. "That, however, _is_ something I should be worried about."

(_Back to the fight. Or, rather, the aftermath of the fight._)

Having destroyed the last of the Heartless, Sora stopped to take a breath. He turned to see how his allies were doing. He was not prepared for the strange sight that met his eyes.

Donald was trying desperately to thaw out the statue of Walt Disney, cursing as he did so. Goofy was trying to calm him down by saying that, even if Donald couldn't unfreeze the statue, it would eventually thaw out on its own. Donald would've responded had his fire spell not gotten out of control and incinerated the statue.

Shaking his head, Sora walked towards the center of the plaza to see if all of the Heartless had been dealt with. He noticed something strange. His vision was growing darker. It took Sora surprisingly few moments to realize that he was standing in the middle of a large shadow. He looked up just in time to notice that a rather large suit of armor was about to squash him.

Sora dove out of the way as the armor crashed into the ground. Goofy looked up from comforting a distraught Donald. "Hey kid!" he yelled to Sora. "Watch out for that giant suit of armor!"

"Gee, thanks!" sarcastically screamed Sora. He looked to see the armor's helm land on top of it's body. The armor started to menacingly spin its arms around.

Donald stopped sobbing and looked at the armor. "Hey," he said, "When did that get here?" He pulled out his staff and cast a thunder spell at it. The armor turned towards Donald and started to make its way towards him. "Uh…guys? HELP!" Yelled Donald.

"Don't worry!" said Sora. "There's three of us and only one of it!"

The suit of armor paused. It lifted up it's hand and proceeded to count its opponents. Realizing that it was outnumbered, the armor detached it's hands and feet and sent them after Sora, Donald, and Goofy.

Goofy raised up his shield to block a punch from one of the giant fists. Unfortunatly, the punch sent him flying backwards into Donald, who was fighting the other fist. As Goofy was flying backwards, Jiminy Cricket flew out of his hat and landed on Sora, who was fighting both of the armor's feet.

Sora stabbed one of the feet with the Keyblade. The assaulted foot disappeared in a bang and a puff of dark smoke. Cheering, he turned to Donald and Goofy. "Did you see that! Looks like I de-feeted that foot! Get it?"

And like an angry critic who was fed up with puns and bad jokes, the surviving foot reared back and punted Sora straight through the window of a nearby empty house.

Sora smashed through the window and landed on a bed. "Ow," he said, "How am I supposed to beat that?"

Jiminy hopped out of Sora's hair and said, "You're not very good at fighting, are you?"

Sora seemed surprised to see a cricket hop our of his hair. "A bug…in my hair? I swear I used a shampoo for that…"

"My name is Jiminy Cricket, and you better get out there and help Donald and Goofy."

"But how?" asked Sora. "My usual strategy of charging the opponent and stabbing them to death just got me launched through a window!"

"Now just calm down." said Jiminy. "Maybe there's something around here that can help you beat that big tin can."

"Ok." said Sora. He started to look around the room that he landed in and his eyes landed on a locked chest. "Wonder what's in there?"

"I'm not one for stealing, but this is an emergency!" said Jiminy. "Open it up!"

"But how?" Sora cried. "It's locked!"

Jiminy just stared at Sora. He eventually mustered up the courage to ask, "Aren't you swinging a giant key around as a weapon? Can't you just open it with the Keyblade?"

"You and your crazy ideas." muttered Sora. "I'll try it, but it's only to humor you." He put the Keyblade into the chest's lock and twisted it. The chest immediately opened up.

"…Just like I planned!" exclaimed Sora.

Outside, in the plaza, Donald and Goofy had managed to destroy both of the arms of the armor and where facing both the remaining foot and the body of the armor.

"Hey Donald?" asked Goofy.

"Goofy, I am literally right in the middle of something." Said Donald as he shot spell after spell at the armor's torso. "What is it?"

"Where's the kid?" asked Goofy as he dodged the foot.

"RIGHT HERE!" shouted Sora as he climbed over the pillars. "Hang on…" Sora let out a high pitched shriek as he lost his grip and dropped to the ground. "Oww…" he groaned.

"Alright boy," said Jiminy as he hopped out of Sora's hair and onto his chest, "That big suit of armor is called a Guard Armor."

"Thanks." muttered a sarcastic Sora. "Now that I know what it's called, I can beat it for sure."

"Shut up, I'm telling you how to kill it." said Jiminy as he flipped through a book called _Home is Where The Heartless Is_. "The book says that its weak point is inside the armor's torso."

"Kid!" shouted Donald. He and Goofy came running over. "Are you alright? And more importantly, is the Key alright?"

"I'm fine!" said Sora. Jiminy used the opportunity to hop up onto Sora's shoulder. "I've stolen something from that house that will help us!" He pulled out two hand grenades from his pockets. "These will help us win!"

"What kind of psycho keeps live grenades in their house?" asked Donald.

(_Meanwhile_)

Cid, in the process of harassing passersby in an attempt to get a sale, suddenly shivered. "Why the Sam Hell do I feel like someone's touching my stuff?" he asked.

"I don't know man!" yelled an unfortunate victim. "Put can you please put down that gun?"

"Not until you buy something, cheap-ass!" yelled Cid.

(_In Third District_)

"…So, we need to get this grenade into that thing!" said Jiminy.

"But how?" asked Sora. "To make that throw, you'd need to have incredible aim!"

"Or, you know, with magic." said Donald dryly. He used his staff to levitate the grenade. Once it was over the Guard Armor's torso, he used magic to pull the pin and dropped it inside.

The Guard Armor looked down just in time to see its torso explode. The surprised head of the Guard Armor fell to the ground with a loud _THUD_.

"That was easy." said Donald.

"FOOT!" Yelled Goofy. The surviving foot was going wild, stomping everything. Cameron the Heartless, covered in sticky pink frosting from his curly antennas to his feet, wandered into the plaza.

"Hey guys!" Cameron waved to Sora, Donald, and Goofy. "Have you tried that bakery? They have delicious ca-" Cameron was cut off when the remaining foot stomped on him. Due to the sticky frosting, Cameron was stuck to the sole of the foot like an ant trapped in a wad of bubblegum. "This is the second biggest foot that has ever stepped on me." He said, his voice slightly nasally due to having his face smushed against the bottom of the foot.

Donald watched the foot stomp around. He turned to the other two and asked, "Now what?"

Sora sighed, pulled the pin, and threw the other grenade. "I really wanted to keep that grenade." he said wistfully.

The grenade sailed through the air and landed in the middle of the plaza. The foot landed on it and the grenade exploded, taking out the foot, Cameron, and the frosting.

The pillars blocking the stairway disappeared, revealing Squall (using crutches) and Yuffie.

"Good work." said Squall. "Maybe you can use the Keyblade without stabbing yourself in the chest."

"About that," said Donald, "How did you manage to come across the Key?"

"Oh, here." said Sora as he pulled up a laptop. "Let's just read the first seven chapters of Kingdom Hearts: The True Story."

(_Sometime later_)

"So…you guys were looking for me?" asked Sora.

"Well…" said Goofy hesitantly. "Not you, specifically. More like the guy who was using the Key."

"In fact," Donald chimed in, "If someone else suddenly started to wield the Keyblade, we'd probably just abandon you."

"We are going to be best friends." said a clueless Sora.

"So, now that we've found you," began Goofy, "You should come with us! We can head to other worlds on our ship!"

"Is it awesome looking?" asked Sora excitedly.

"Uh…" Goofy thought about the bright orange and yellow Gummi Ship. "…Kinda?"

"…I'll go with you." said Sora. "But only on the condition that we look for my crush, Kairi, and my hetero life partner, Riku."

"Sure!" said Donald brightly. "We'll spend every moment looking for them!"

"Really?" asked Goofy quietly.

"F**k no." whispered Donald. "But we need him to come along with us, so we can prove to the King that we at least somewhat listen to whatever drivel he says."

Squall hobbled forward. "Sora. You need to go with them, they'll help you find your friends."

"Leon!" said Sora. "You really do care!"

"To be honest, I really just want you the f**k out of this town." said Squall.

"Best friends!" cheered Sora.

"Ok…just…stop being happy, ok?" said Donald. "It's really starting to creep me out a little."

"O RLY?" asked Sora as he made one of the most grotesque smiles in the history of history.

"My god." whispered Donald.

"I peed a little." whimpered Goofy.

Sora stopped his horrible face and said, "I'm Sora. Who are you guys?"

"Uh…Donald Duck?" said Donald. He pointed to Goofy. "Goofy Goof? Haven't you ever watched Disney cartoons?"

"Cartoons? On Disney?" Sora scoffed. "Disney doesn't have cartoons. They have shows like Zack and Cody, Wizards of Waverly Place, and Shake It Up."

"…I feel like crying." said Goofy.

(_Meanwhile on a faraway world_)

Several dark figures crowded around a table in a dark room. On the table was a holographic image of Sora, Donald, and Goofy.

"He took down the Guard Armor?" asked one figure, whose blue flames were giving out some light into the room. "Him? That's dumb."

"You're dumb." said another figure, whose snake staff was glinting in the dark. "The boy is obviously using the power of the Keyblade."

"Idea!" said a figure with a Cthulu-like silhouette. "How about we kill him? That would solve all of our problems." She laughed with the sort of laugh that makes sailors want to drown themselves.

"I'm going to ignore you, you salty wench." said yet another figure. The light glinted off of the hook shaped appendage on the edge of his wrist. "The little barnacle's shipmates are the King's swabbies. Damn my eyes, they all look like they'll keelhaul at the first sign of trouble! I've seen deadlier cabin boys!"

"Like your one to talk." said a fat, fat figure. "We should have chosen Barbossa instead."

"Belay that talk, ye bag of bilge before I tear open yer belly and pull out yer squirmy guts!" shouted the other.

"_**Enough**_." commanded a voice. "_**He is the main character.**_" said a woman in a dark robe. In her hand, she held a scepter with the inscription "Mama's Bitch Stick" written on it. "_**I wonder if he will end up devoured by the darkness.**_ _**Either way, he stands little chance of stopping our goals.**_ _**If so, he will surely peris-**_" The figure suddenly started coughing and choking. "God…I can't…breathe. I keep forgetting…how much using that voice actually hurts…"

"..." There was an awkward pause. Finally the fatty fat fat figure said, "So...what now?"

"I don't know about you guys," said figure with the hook-like appendage, "But I could go for some rum right about now. Anyone else?"

There were murmers of agreement from the rest of the figures.

* * *

**Our heroes have united, our villains have a plan, and our Narrator is still narrating.**

**Can Sora, Donald, and Goofy manage to stop the bad guys? Will they actually find out what the villains' plan is? Will our four Heartless: Chase, Cameron, Chris, and Zach ever catch a break?**

**The answers are maybe but not without a lot of amusing injuries, maybe but they won't understand even if they do, and dear sweet god, no.**

**Review Please!**


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